🔗 Share this article Those Phrases given by A Father Which Helped Us when I became a First-Time Parent "In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year." Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of fatherhood. However the reality soon turned out to be "very different" to what he pictured. Life-threatening health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo. "I handled all the nights, every nappy change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared. After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help. The simple phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing. His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads face. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a broader failure to communicate among men, who still hold onto negative notions of manhood. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time." "It's not a show of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time. They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a pause - going on a few days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He understood he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby. When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words. 'Parenting yourself That insight has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood. He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up. Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and interpret his parenting choices. The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. As a child Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection. Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "bad choices" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm." Advice for Coping as a New Dad Talk to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated. Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be going for a run, socialising or playing video games. Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing. Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your loved ones. When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for many years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on. When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children. "I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."
"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year." Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of fatherhood. However the reality soon turned out to be "very different" to what he pictured. Life-threatening health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo. "I handled all the nights, every nappy change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared. After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help. The simple phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing. His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads face. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a broader failure to communicate among men, who still hold onto negative notions of manhood. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time." "It's not a show of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time. They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a pause - going on a few days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He understood he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby. When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words. 'Parenting yourself That insight has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood. He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up. Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and interpret his parenting choices. The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. As a child Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection. Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "bad choices" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm." Advice for Coping as a New Dad Talk to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated. Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be going for a run, socialising or playing video games. Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing. Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your loved ones. When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for many years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on. When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children. "I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."